The Prayer

My father in heaven, it is me, again.

I know you are with me, I see proof everyday, even though there are times i really do wish it didn’t feel like i was alone, sometimes….I want to thank you, for everything, you are truly awesome, NEVER could I have made it here if you were not carrying and shielding me. I don’t even deserve to be where I am but You have chosen to bless me with these gifts which i try my best to use to your glory.

I’m trying to be better cause I don’t believe I’m good enough to be used, It’s hard but I think i’m making progress. Please make me a wonderful husband and an even better father. Give me the strength, wisdom & awareness to lead a family in your ways. Give me the means to take care of people you will entrust me with. As i have prayed for myself, so i pray for my family, so i pray for all around me, so I pray for my country, Amen.

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The Exorcism I

“if you love something let it go…if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it wasn’t, it never was”- DMX

Funny how many times I have had to tel myself this exact same thing just so I can keep it moving, funny how many times people have asked me ‘don’t you care about yourself?’ and cannot see the pain i’m trying to hide (whether through a lack of words when it’s a chat or in my eyes in actual conversation)…I’m tired of something going wrong, whether it’s relationships or family or work…why can’t everything just go swimmingly for once, even if it’s for half a year.

I’m tired of having to hold up so much and then people looking at me, telling me I don’t look like I have a heart.. or some stupid schit that makes it seem like I don’t feel anything. Okay fine, it’s hard to tell if i feel anything or what i feel but I’m human, hardly a day goes by without me crying or feeling pain, I’m just usually straight faced when I cry and tears don’t fall.

I’m not saying i’m a saint though, i’ve done my fair share of wrongs, I was probably unfair in my last relationship, i began to prepare for the exit of same without informing my significant other. It wasn’t that i didn’t feel it, my heart was shattered but there wasn’t anything I could have done. So many people now think I was playing but that wasn’t it. I can’t fight an entire fucking family, I can’t. What was i supposed to do? My own family’s screwed, how do I present that to anyone? well, I can if i dont have to fight the tribal barrier as well but how do i tell them i’ve had to bail my older brother out of jail before, or my father screwed up my lil uns chances of  going abroad to school cause he couldn’t curb his greed? or that he went and lost the family house and that my family was in the very recent past homeless….how do I present what my pop did to my sis…and probably cousin? How do I explain what i’ve been forced to carry?…How do i explain that i still have to give my older one money cause he has absolutely nothing? in his 30’s, there’s too much which wany decent girl would probably just run from….and then still stand by that family?

Everytime a relationship doesn’t work, I’m like ‘she’s probably dodged a bullet’ and i move on, only way i move on is pride. It hurts like hell cause i’m not a serial dater, I don’t forget relationships in two minutes, I just do what I know how to, carry the hurt and keep it moving….and i’m tired, i’m so tired…I want more, I want to be a better person, I want to be able to talk freely to a girl about schit that scares me…and i thought i’d found that, alas, another stumbling block. I don’t even know wtf i’m supposed to do now…but that is life, nothing I can do about it…or maybe that is the pride talking again. I pray, so hard, all the time…even unconsciously…I don’t know again. I’m just confused and kinda unhappy I guess…fuuny thing is, at the end of the day, it is God I shall run to.

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Has it come to and end?……already?

And so, on Saturday evening, after another wonderful visit, a ‘talk’ was had….and I haven’t really been the same since, save for snippets on Sunday evening and on Monday morning/afternoon-ish both snippets of happiness brought about by the same situation…and then I find out over the weekend as well that something…or is it someone now that I had assumed (even though I knew better) was a forgone issue isn’t quite a forgone issue. I am just living mehn, enjoying the days when I am “shitting unicorns, confetti….& champagne bottles” *wink* and throwing myself in my work on days like today. I doubt this is over though, I hope it isn’t, the potential for it to be beautiful is just there…but for once I don’t want to have to fight for anything, I’ve been fighting my entire life, I am tired. Whatever He wills though.

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Food for thought

“What is man that he should be so proud? he is but dust and ashes, even when he is alive his insides are rottening and he is decaying”- Sirach 10:9

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I do not quite have the courage to say…

“Please forgive me if I act a .little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Help me out here all my words are falling short
And there’s so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way”- David Gray

Saw you last on Sunday 16th June 2013…chances are you’ll never see this and i’ll swallow it…..thank you nonetheless Mr. Gray

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Untitled

I was told of the contents of one of the posts on a friend’s blog today…apparently it had caused of a bit of a steer with someone that is/was dear (whether the post was me related or not) apparently i’m from Mars because I am able to get over things quickly…except…it struck a chord, i can’t even lie. Why did it strike a chord? a couple of reasons…cause i feel that was a bit judgmental, which is basically the story of my life to be totally honest but that’s a story for another post, i suppose.

 

Where was i? yes, judgmental because, i’m thinking because you do not see someone brood, doesn’t mean there is no brooding, because one does not see tears doesn’t mean there aren’t any…to say something like that would mean that because you see your friend forever smiling and jolly, they have no problems…that in itself, is folly.

Again because, i dont even get over stuff quickly, i just accept and move on. i brooded over one person for the greater part of three years, i brooded over another for about seven to eight months (i suppose a part of me’s still brooding)…. I am not saying this because i want to feel like or to be made to seem like i do have a heart, esp. in situations where i do not have one but i’ve been made, too many times, in my short life, to seem like i am something i am not (good or bad). Don’t get me wrong, i have learned not to care so much, or not show my care, if people see me as whatever they see me…but i want, just for once, to be seen as who i am (good or bad)…but then again, i am contradicting myself…for i will be the first person to tell anyone 2 things, (i) you will never see the pain on my face for i shall hide it  (ii) reading me is a nigh impossible task, so i should be able to deal with the consequences of not being readable or/and my pain being invisible to the less than discerning.

again, people deal with pain/hurt in different ways, for instance, I, other than twice this year for reasons which i shall probably end up blogging about, haven’t shed a tear in 4years, no, make that five years (July 13th 2008) and i’ve had severe heart shatters in that period, close friends have left me and gone to Heaven in that period, close friends (who are well and are still able to sit right next to me) have left me in that period, pride i guess…but while the next man may cry and brood over it…i just work, i throw everything into my work, i lock myself away and i just work…which is probably why the biggest leaps i have made in my career came right after heavy heart break, of whatever sort.

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“Live your life…

“Live your life as though God is the only one watching”- Osagie Edet

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