“if you love something let it go…if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it wasn’t, it never was”- DMX
Funny how many times I have had to tel myself this exact same thing just so I can keep it moving, funny how many times people have asked me ‘don’t you care about yourself?’ and cannot see the pain i’m trying to hide (whether through a lack of words when it’s a chat or in my eyes in actual conversation)…I’m tired of something going wrong, whether it’s relationships or family or work…why can’t everything just go swimmingly for once, even if it’s for half a year.
I’m tired of having to hold up so much and then people looking at me, telling me I don’t look like I have a heart.. or some stupid schit that makes it seem like I don’t feel anything. Okay fine, it’s hard to tell if i feel anything or what i feel but I’m human, hardly a day goes by without me crying or feeling pain, I’m just usually straight faced when I cry and tears don’t fall.
I’m not saying i’m a saint though, i’ve done my fair share of wrongs, I was probably unfair in my last relationship, i began to prepare for the exit of same without informing my significant other. It wasn’t that i didn’t feel it, my heart was shattered but there wasn’t anything I could have done. So many people now think I was playing but that wasn’t it. I can’t fight an entire fucking family, I can’t. What was i supposed to do? My own family’s screwed, how do I present that to anyone? well, I can if i dont have to fight the tribal barrier as well but how do i tell them i’ve had to bail my older brother out of jail before, or my father screwed up my lil uns chances of going abroad to school cause he couldn’t curb his greed? or that he went and lost the family house and that my family was in the very recent past homeless….how do I present what my pop did to my sis…and probably cousin? How do I explain what i’ve been forced to carry?…How do i explain that i still have to give my older one money cause he has absolutely nothing? in his 30’s, there’s too much which wany decent girl would probably just run from….and then still stand by that family?
Everytime a relationship doesn’t work, I’m like ‘she’s probably dodged a bullet’ and i move on, only way i move on is pride. It hurts like hell cause i’m not a serial dater, I don’t forget relationships in two minutes, I just do what I know how to, carry the hurt and keep it moving….and i’m tired, i’m so tired…I want more, I want to be a better person, I want to be able to talk freely to a girl about schit that scares me…and i thought i’d found that, alas, another stumbling block. I don’t even know wtf i’m supposed to do now…but that is life, nothing I can do about it…or maybe that is the pride talking again. I pray, so hard, all the time…even unconsciously…I don’t know again. I’m just confused and kinda unhappy I guess…fuuny thing is, at the end of the day, it is God I shall run to.